The Fear of Turning 30
As the title suggest, I turned 30 recently. And it came with fear, anxiety and a bit of excitement. But mainly fear and anxiety. The fear of turning 30 was real. It was joyful. Really, it was…
I had the big birthday a couple of weeks ago and to say there was mixed feeling about it is an understatement.
This February was a really funny one for me. It didn’t really go as planned but I’ve plodded on the best that I can! I’ve always been lucky enough to do fun things for my big birthdays, I was in Hong Kong with my family for my 18th, and I went to Paris for my 21st. So, I always had high expectations for the day I turned 30 – I wanted to go to New York, and start my 30s off in a big style.
In reality, I got dumped two days before my 30th birthday. He made no plans to take the day off work even though he knows when my birthday is (I mean, it’s on the same day every year, ya fuckin’ douchebag). Anyway, I’m sad and a tiny bit upset that a ten year relationship can be discarded just like that.
But you know what? Life goes on. The month was all gloom and doom. The highlights included meeting up with a uni friend which saw us going back to where we spent 4 wonderful years experiencing student life; We visited Newcastle for the day, absorbed the city atmosphere and ate good food, and took home a big slab of rainbow cake.
Fuck Society’s Ridiculous Expectations
But this February was tough. Like, really tough.
For a long time, coupled with the break-up, I had also been stressing out about turning 30 and it’s something that I have found it quite difficult. The closer I crept towards the big 3-0, that more dread I felt. It made me reflect on how quickly life has gone so far, and I felt an overwhelming, intense rush of pressure to start doing things that a “normal” 30 year old should do.
A big part of thinks fuck what society thinks and their ridiculous expectations. I won’t be pressured in to ticking boxes. I do what I fucking want in my own fucking time.
But the anxiety got the best of me.
I wondered why I wasn’t at the same stage as all of my friends are at. Oh, you know, the usual life boxes. Getting married, having children, buying a house. Having none of those things ticked off by now has made me feel like a big fat failure. But I swear, I don’t crave any of those things. I mean, being with the wrong person who has no intentions of sharing those experiences with you doesn’t help. But personally, I don’t feel ready for those things. Not even a little bit. So, why was it even bothering me?! Why did I let it get to me so much?
It’s Ok To Not Be Ok
I have no definitive answer. All I know is that in my head, turning 30 is a big frickin’ deal, especially when you don’t feel like you’ve got everything figured out. And I’ve come to realise that that’s totally normal. No one has it totally figured out, right?! And that’s completely fine.
Take a deep breath. There’s nothing wrong with you.
I suddenly began to notice all the articles about turning 30 crop up on my newsfeed (algorithm shmalgorithm). But it helped to read that other women are feeling the same way. I’ve come to learn that these expectations are what I’ve given myself and there’s no use in blaming ‘society’. I’m in control and I’ve decided to live my best life and be grateful for what I have today, and not worry about what’s going to happen tomorrow. Not everyone gets the chance to make it to this age and if that’s not enough to make anyone feel grateful, I don’t know what is.
There’s more to life than ticking boxes. We can break the rules and colour outside the lines. Conformity is boring; I’ve never been one to follow the rules, and I sure as hell don’t follow the crowd.
Live Your Best Life
As for the break up. What can I say. I saw it coming but it doesn’t make it any easier. I have shared my entire duration of my 20’s with that person.
I need to leave. That’s what I need to do. And I will, it will be good for my soul. I owe it to myself to leave my comfort zone.
For the past two weeks, I’ve been applying for jobs and I’m planning to move 270 odd miles away to London. I am absolutely petrified but I am so excited for a new beginning. Everything I’ve known for the past ten years is going to change soon. It’s stressful because there’s so much to do and I don’t feel ready to move, but to be honest, I’m never going to feel ready. I’m making a snap decision but a life-changing one, and I’ve just got to go with it.
There’s no time like the present. Don’t let the fear get to you. Life is too short and I have big goals to achieve. I need to get shit done.
Oh, and you know what…
I know fine well that everything IS going to be ok. ❤️